Hello everyone. Let me introduce myself. My name is Niesee Smith-Calcasieu (cal-ca-shoe) and I have a story I want to tell you. Ya’ll gotta bear with me though, and keep up cause I’m going to be telling y’all about what’s going on with me now and doing some remininscing. You see, I am a thirty six year old survivor of love, life, lies, and religion. All of these things have played a major part in my life story from day one and have helped make me the successful woman I am today. This foursome is a force to be reckoned with and has always kept up a constant revolving door of hurt, joy, accomplishments and disappointments in my life. The experiences have broken me down but also built me back up. I can honestly say I am stronger for it, although while going through my “it” of the moment; at times I wanted to just curl up in a ball and die. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why bad things kept happening to me. I couldn’t wrap my head around why people always chose to hurt, use and abuse me. I mean, I had a good heart. Too good according to my daddy the Right Reverend Maurice Smith. Yes, you heard me right, I am a PK (preacher’s kid) and you know what they say about us. That we are wilder than most kids. I have to admit that was definitely true about me. So back to what I was saying. I have a good heart and it’s so hard for me to tell people no. I hate to see anyone going without, and I feel guilty when I’m not able to help someone, even if they never ask. It’s hard for me to stay mad at people or hold grudges, but I can be very vindictive and spiteful. Also I can be selfish, self-centered, and stubborn when I have a goal or mission in mind, whether right or wrong. On top of all of that my daddy spoiled me rotten so if I don’t get my way, I am known to throw temper tantrums. But it doesn’t happen too often that I don’t get my way, because your girl can sell ice to an eskimo in Alaska for triple the rate. Yea, I’m just that good. That’s why I am the owner of a huge conglomerate that has made me a billionaire. Yup! I’m very rich. Fortunately, my life experiences and my upbringing in the church has made me a very humble person.
Unfortunately, my life experiences have also made me a very bitter, angry person. And that is the reason why I’m on my way to Dr. Fairview’s office as we speak. Lately, I’ve been having the nightmares again and it’s beginning to affect my relationships and business dealings, and we most certainly cannot have that. Also, about a week ago my pastor and first lady called me into the office to counsel with me. They’d noticed that things were not quite right. The main give away was that I no longer had my praise. See, I’m the type of saint that don’t need music or nobody to help me praise my God. I will praise Him all by myself at the drop of a hat, anytime and anywhere. However, the last few Sundays it seemed like I was super glued and duck taped to my seat. No matter how high the Spirit was, no matter what key the organist hit, no matter how good my son beat those drums, I did not budge. It’s not that I didn’t want to, or that I was sitting down on God, because He has been too good to me for that. It’s just that it seemed that more than ever lately, the storms were raging in my life and I was just too tired to weather them. Most people think it is impossible for someone so rich to have any problems at all. Well, money can buy a lot of things, but it can’t but happiness, peace of mind or joy. And I was lacking all three. My phone rang just as I was pulling up to the Riverside Medical building in Hampton, VA.
“Hello, Niesee speaking.”
“Hey chick, what you up to?” my ace Janae asked.
“Aint nothing girl, almost to Dr. Fairview’s office.”
“OMG! You actually decided to go through with it?”
“Yea, I had to. I just can’t fake the funk anymore. I have been able to hide things and sweep them under the rug for years but not anymore. I mean, who am I fooling anyway? I can’t let what church people or the media have to say stop me from getting mentally and spiritually healthy. Because you know they are going to talk anyway. If you don’t give them something to talk about, they will just make it up.” I answered her.
“Well I’ll be.” Janae responded while laughing. She could be so country sometimes although she was straight out of NY. Bed-Stuy to be exact. “But no, seriously, I am so proud of you ma.” She continued.
“Well thank you sweetie. I must say I am very proud of myself as well. But listen, I have already pulled up, I’ve just been sitting here talking to you stalling. But after that encouragement I think I am ready to go in here and take the bull by the horns and ride that sucker to glory and back. So I’m going to call you later, Ok?”
“Absolutely honey, I’ll be waiting for your call. But before we hang up do you mind if we have a word of prayer?”
I took the phone from the holder in my car, held it up close to my face and stared at it for a minute. It still took me by surprise to hear my girl talking all holier than thou. Because this chick has been hell on wheels since we were in elementary school. But I guess we all have to grow up eventually. I snapped out of it and responded, “Sure we can, you going to lead it or you want me to?”
“I’ll lead,” she said. Again, I had to look at the phone and make sure I was talking to the right person. Now don’t get me wrong. For over a year now, I had been watching my girl change and build a relationship with my heavenly Daddy. She wasn’t totally there yet, God knows she still was up to a lot of her old ways and still needed to work on that nasty attitude of hers, but I certainly saw her trying. However, it still shocked me that she was willing to pray, and pray out loud at that. Just as I finished my thought she began to pray.
“Oh most gracious and Holy Father. We come to you right now as humble as we know how. We want to first thank You for being so good to us and loving us enough to wake us up this morning to another day. Lord, we also would like for you to forgive us for all sins known and unknown. Listen Lord, I am coming to you on behalf of my girl Niesee. I know you don’t hear from me as much as you probably should, and I thank You for understanding that I’m not that great yet at this prayer thing. But Lord, You know that I love this woman with all my heart. You know and I know what she has gone through and experienced in her life. You also know that it’s hard for her to trust anyone and talk about her business. So Lord if you can just touch her heart and her mouth so that she would be willing to open up to the doctor, I would really appreciate it. Help her to not be ashamed or to worry about what people might say or think. She deserves to be happy Lord, so if You can please do something about it, I would forever be grateful. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen”
As Janae finished the prayer, I sat there stunned with tears rolling down my face. I could feel the anointing of the Holy Spirit, all over me and in my car. I felt a peace and a confidence I didn’t feel before, come over me. “Amen! And thank you so much for the prayer girl. That was powerful! You about to make me cut up in these people parking lot, and you know I will,” I laughingly said.
“You are most welcome. It was least I could do compared to all that you have helped me with.”
I looked at the clock in my car and saw that it was fifteen minutes to nine. I hated to be late for anything so I knew I needed to get my butt in gear, or I would be beating myself up for the rest of the day. I know it sounds a bit much, but don’t judge me. It’s just how I am. “Well thanks again sissy. I better go ahead and get off this phone now and get in here before my day is ruined from me being late.”
“Alright Hon. And that’s a shame, but I love you. Talk to you later.”
“I love you too, and I’ll be sure to call and let you know how it went. Bye.”
After we disconnected the call I took a few deep breaths and checked my make-up in the mirror. My face was beat to perfection as usual, but I did have to fix my mascara and pat on a little more powder from Janae’s behind making me cry with that prayer. I shook my head again in amazement as I thought about how far she had come. I grabbed my purse and cell phone and exited my car. I looked around out of habit to see who might see me, but surprisingly there was no one out here, and the paparazzi decided to leave me alone for the day. Must be a big story going on somewhere. But I didn’t care. As long as they weren’t in my business.
I made it to the door but before I could open it, it swung open and someone walked out holding the door for me. I didn’t want anyone to know I was coming here just yet so I kind of turned my head to the side to hide my face. You might be wondering why I didn’t just have the doctor to make house calls since I am so rich, but I just didn’t want to do that. I try to be as normal as I can, because I don’t want the money to change me. Also, it’s not that I don’t want anyone to ever know, just not until I’m ready to tell it. I want to do things on my terms. I walked up to the receptionist and was about to introduce myself and tell her my name for my appointment when she looked up with a wide eyed expression. She quickly regained her composure and her professional mask slid back in place. “Great, she recognizes me,” I thought to myself. Although I shouldn’t be surprised, because I was very well known around the local area and the world. But like I said I try to remain low key.
She must have noticed the perplexed look on my face because she leaned forward slightly and whispered, “Don’t worry Mrs. Smith-Calcasieu. Everything is very confidential. All of our clients are high profile and require a great level of discretion. You will not have to worry about anything here. Besides, I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement, and I need and love my job so I am most definitely not trying to mess that up. So if you will have a seat Dr. Fairview will be out to get you shortly,” she said while smiling reassuringly at me.
I relaxed again and told her, “Thank you.” Just as I was about to take a seat, the doctor’s office dooopened and she told me, “Come on in.” I looked up and once again was surprised. I mean what is with all of the surprises today. Is it national be surprised day? Geesh! I expected this little old lady but she was far from little or old. I knew she was around sixty five from my research on her, but she didn’t look a day over thirty! She was about 6’1, very slim, and stylishly put together. She had her hair pulled back in a professional bun, showing off her very large brown eyes that were covered with designer glasses. Looked like they were Gucci. She was also very light. At first glance you would think she was white, but her wide nose and full lips gave away her African-American descent. Not only was she gorgeous and very regal looking, but she exuded a confidence I knew could only come from having a very personal relationship with the Holy Spirit. The anointing was radiating off her so much, I was sure she had Jesus on speed dial and He always answered on the first ring when she called on Him.
I snapped my mouth shut and walked to the door with my hand outstretched for a handshake. Instead she pulled me in for a tight motherly hug and I broke down in tears. She had a small sympathetic smirk on her face like she was used to getting this reaction from people. She looked over my shoulder at her receptionist as I laid my head on her chest and bawled my eyes out. “Amber, please cancel and reschedule the rest of my appointments for the day. We have us a special one here.”
“Yes, Dr. Fairview. Right away,” Amber responded while picking up the phone. By this time Dr. Fairview had walked us into her office and stood there holding me a little while longer. I eventually pulled myself together and accepted the tissue she offered me. “Go ahead and have a seat Mrs. Smith-Calcaseiu and we can get started. So. What brings you here today? But before you get started I would like to have a word of prayer if that is alright with you. I want you to know that you are not obligated, but I like to at least offer it to my patients that are willing. If you prefer not to, I totally understand.” After letting her know it was alright, I listened to another powerful prayer that day that brought me to tears once again.
“Now, talk to me.” she said once she was done.
I got nervous all over again and began to look around her office instead of making eye contact. Her office was very simply put together with the bare essentials and her medical degree on the wall. She had a picture of herself, a man I assumed was her husband and a teenage girl sitting on her desk. She noticed me looking around and stated, “I try to keep things as simple as possible. My goal is to reduce any and all distractions so we can focus on the issues at hand. As you know, my clients are all high profile and very rich, so I don’t want them to focus on the material wealth that I could display in my office. I let my professionalism and my experience speak for itself and not material items. That is my husband Apostle Donny Fairview and my daughter the young Evangelist Donna Fairview in the picture. They are my world and my heart.”
“Dr. Fairview, do you ever wish that you could get in a bubble and just float away from it all?” I asked out the blue. “I mean sometimes it seems like I just can’t catch a break. It seems like the problems that need to be solved or figured out never ends.” “Oh and for the record you can call me Niesee.” I added just as she started to answer me.
“Niesee, I think at one point we all wish we could just float away and come back when we want. Unfortunately we aren’t so lucky.” She said then smiled, putting me at ease yet again.
“Well, I have the money so maybe I will build a bubble to take me away. You want to join me?” I said in a bad attempt at a joke. I was grateful that she laughed and didn’t make me feel stupid. Instead she said, “If you build it, I will go. That’s my word.” “But let’s start at the beginning and get a little bit of history so I will know how best to help you. I’m sure you did your research on me so you know that I am a faith-based counselor for those that desire that, and I know from my own research that you are a PK. So, I think it is safe to assume that is the direction we will go in, and I know that we both speak the same spiritual language. Feel free to talk to me as if you are talking to one of your sisters in Christ.”
Niesee took a moment to think about where she wanted to start in her story. She knew that her story could take a while but she wanted Dr. Fairview to really understand where she was coming from so she could really help her. Niesee believed in giving people all the information so they could make informed decisions and this time was no different. “Ma’am I honestly don’t know where to start. I don’t want to go back too far and overload you but I also want you to fully understand my issues.”
“Ok so let’s do this. Tell me about your parents.”
Niesee began to think about her biological mother, her daddy and the woman who had been her stepmom for nearly forty years. She was truly blessed with a great dad and step-mom but her mother was another issue altogether. Niesee decided her mom was a good enough place to start as any. “My mom already had my older brother when she was only thirteen. She was only fifteen when she had me and my dad was twenty. By the time she was seventeen she had my younger brother. I’m not sure how many times in between all of us that she was pregnant. My parents were both from two of the most well-known families in Newburgh, NY. From what I was told, my mom was already messing with drugs by the time she had my younger brother. The story also goes that for whatever reason my mother could not stand my dad and did not want to have me. I was also told that he gave her money for an abortion but my grandma and great grandma would not allow her to have one. So instead she took the money and brought some things for me. However, according her, that didn’t stop her from trying to get rid of me.”
“Hold on, what do you mean according her? Did she tell you that?”
“Yes ma’am she did. My mother never tried to hide the fact that she didn’t want me. She told me on more than one occasion that she tried her best to still get rid of me even though she wasn’t allowed to have an abortion. She even tried to throw herself down some stairs, hoping to have a miscarriage. But as you can see it didn’t work.”
“How did that make you feel for her to say that to you Niesee?”
“It made me feel like crap!” I yelled. I caught myself and tried to calm down because I didn’t want the good doctor to see that side of me just yet. I knew I had issues with my anger which is why I was here, but I didn’t really want the doctor to think less of me. That had been my problem all my life. Worrying about what people thinks of me and what they were saying about me. I realized the doctor was different though. Her job was to hear me out and offer her professional advice, not to judge me. I took a deep breath and tried to express myself in a more reserved, calm manner. With tears in my eyes, I softly replied, “It hurt. A lot. I didn’t understand why she wouldn’t want me. It’s just not fair.”
“Niesee, you have to understand that it was not about you. Her feelings towards you were a direct result of her feelings towards your father. She was just a kid. She didn’t know any better.” Dr. Fairview told me. But I wasn’t trying to hear what she had to say on this matter right now. She still didn’t even know the half of it. But I knew I couldn’t get to all of it today. I figured it was just as good a start as any. I also had to get to the office for a very important business meeting this afternoon. Then I remembered that Doc had cleared her schedule for me today, so I had to stick it out. I didn’t want to stay in this office though. I was starting to feel claustrophobic.
“Dr. Fairview I think I have had enough for today as far as being in the office. But I know you cleared your schedule for me even though I forgot I had a business meeting this afternoon. May I suggest that we move this somewhere else, while I call my husband to see if he can handle the meeting?”
“Absolutely. I have somewhere special we can go just for this type of situation. Take your time, while I shut my computer down and let April know I’ll be leaving for the day.”
“Ok great.” I pulled out my Galaxy Note 4 and called Mikayah Sr., my husband. He picked up on the last ring right before I was about to hang up.
“Hey Buttercup, what’s up?” He answered instantly bringing a smile to my face.
“Hey Big Daddy. How you doing today babe?”
“I’m good, but even better since I’m talking to you.” My baby is such a huge flirt, but I love it.
“Well I’m calling because I got tied up at my appointment and I won’t be able to make the meeting with the developers for the new office site. You think you can sit in for me?”
“Oh man, I’m sorry babe but I can’t. We are working this big case right now and I’m actually out with Shy on a stakeout. Can Junior handle it?”
“Yea babe, that’s fine. I will call him from the car. And you two better be careful. I’m praying for you all’s protection.”
“Already. Thanks babe. Love you.”
“Love you too.” By this time Dr. Fairview was ready to go so we walked out together. As we walked past the reception desk she told April, “Once you finish locking up you can go ahead and take off for the day.”
“Alright, Lady Doc. You two have a wonderfully blessed day. And Mrs. Smith-Calcasieu it was an honor to meet you. I hope to see you again.” April thought about how what she’d just said sounded and began to blush. “I mean I don’t want to see you again, but, oh gosh you know what I mean.
Niesee let her off the hook with a warm smile and a wink. “Yes April. I know exactly what you mean. I look forward to seeing you again as well. You have made this visit very pleasant for me.” She and doctor Fairview then turned to leave the office. She told Niesee to follow her in her car. Once in the car Niesee called her oldest son Mikayah to ask if he could meet with the developer. She spoke his name into the Bluetooth and once the call was connected she heard a bunch of rustling and background noise.
“Hello, hello.” “Hello, helloooo” “Mikayah Jr.!” Still no answer. Niesee continued listening for a few more minutes and could still only hear rustling and voices although she couldn’t make out what they were saying. But it didn’t sound like he was in distress so she didn’t panic. She hung up and called back again. The same thing happened but this time she could make out some of what was being said. She heard pregnant, abortion, money, affair and then some yelling. Her stomache dropped and her heart began to beat fast because she couldn’t believe what she had just heard. But what made her almost crash into the back of the doctor’s car was when she recognized the voice. She couldn’t believe it! She hung up once again and this time when the phone answered Mikayah was on the other end.
“Hello Mother. How are you doing today?”
“Hello Jr. How are you today son?”
“I’m doing well. Can’t complain. Too blessed to be stressed.” If Niesee had not heard the conversation on the other end of his phone she would have known then that something was wrong because that was the only time he started quoting clichés.
“Oh ok. Yea right and I’m the Queen of England. Niesee thought to herself but said out loud, “Listen, I am caught up in a very important appointment and your father is on a stakeout, so I was wondering if you could go over to the new site and meet with the developer about the new office building?”
“Sure Ma. Who am I meeting with and what time do I need to be there?”
“You are meeting with Alaisha Allister-Hopper from Hopper Developers. Her dad owns the company and she is meeting with us to go over the initial plans. Are you familiar with her?” She knew it could be a chance since she was the sister of her ex-husband, making Alaisha his ex step-aunt. However, when they divorced, Mikayah was still kind of young, and Alaisha had already moved out of state. And once she divorced Orville, she also divorced his family, so she knew it was a chance they knew each other but it was slim. If anything, Alaisha knew him, but he wouldn’t remember her. But there was a twitching in my belly I didn’t understand because even if they did know each other what was the problem? But I couldn’t get that voice out of my head.
“No Ma. I’m not. I look forward to meeting her.”
I told him, “The meeting is at 2pm this afternoon. Please don’t be late. I know how you do.”
“Ok Ma. Talk to you later.”
By the time I hung up the phone we were pulling up to Sandy Bottom Nature Park. I had seen this park in passing but I had never stopped. I wish I had. They had boats you could rent, nature trails, picnic shelters, playgrounds, and a nature museum. It was absolutely beautiful and it felt very serene. It was spring time so the flowers were blooming and the trees were just starting to fill out again. You could hear the birds chirping, the water streaming, and the sun was shining bright; although there was a very slight breeze. I exited my car and walked over to the doctor.
“This park is beautiful Dr. Fairview. I’m so glad you brought me here.”
“I’m so glad you like it Niesee. It usually helps my patients to relax and open up. So, tell me Niesee. What is the most pressing issue with you? I know you are holding back on me but what I don’t fully understand is why.”
“Well, Dr. Fairview, I just really don’t know where to start like I said earlier. There is so much that I need to get off my chest, so I guess that’s as good a place as any to start. I’m tired. Plain and simple. I have spent years and years and years of my life trying to please people, wanting people to like me, and practically begging people to accept me for me, and not who they think I should be. I’m tired of wearing a mask and trying to smile when I just want to cry. But then if I don’t smile, people will know something is wrong. Then I have to deal with the questions that I don’t want to answer. I mean I am very skilled at sweeping things under the rug.”
I stopped there and took a deep breath, looking out at the many trees surrounding me. Letting the peace envelope me and wishing I could have that peace all the time. But what was I thinking? I could have that peace all the time. I mean let’s not forget that I am Prophetess/Evangelist/PK/Billionairess. I knew the Word. I knew God. I knew what I should and should not do. I knew where my help came from and who supplied my needs. But if I could just be transparent for a moment, sometimes God just didn’t move fast enough for me. Yes, He has blessed me tremendously but when the storms and trials came, they always seemed to rock my world. And because of that I was not only confused as to why it constantly happened, I was just TIRED!
“Doctor Fairview, I need a break from it all. There are so many things I have kept hidden over the years, only leaking what I wanted people to know. Worrying about protecting the ones that hurt and betrayed me, while they went on with their lives. Not giving me a second thought while I fought demons and memories and regrets year after year. I am so tired of carrying other people’s mess. I’m tired of the secrets and things being swept under the rug. I’m tired of having to keep my story a secret because of my position in the community. The Lord allowed me to go through these things to minister and help someone else. Yes, I am involved in the community with young girls and at different churches, but I am doing them and myself injustice by not being honest. I can no longer hide behind my story. I am tired of being the victim. I am tired of the pity party. Most of all, I am tired of it affecting my marriage and my relationship with God.”
“Wow! This is certainly a lot for anyone to deal with Niesee and I certainly sympathize with you and my respect for you has only increased. You have not even gotten to the meat and potatoes of the matter yet as us old folks say and I already know that you have endured quite a bit. Especially for someone your age. I also feel it in my spirit. I knew when you walked into my office that you were a special case. I knew that it was so much deeper than getting you mentally fit, but spiritually as well.”
“Mother, (Niesee had automatically slipped into the vernacular for older First Ladies in the African-American church) you are so right. I need to really, really release some things so that I can have the relationship with God I was intended to have.” I can’t truly get close to God holding all this mess. Especially when I say I have forgiven but I haven’t. What I have done is try to forget. However, that isn’t working anymore.”
“Well Niesee, I think we are off to a very good start. I hear some things in my spirt but the Lord has not permitted me to release them just yet. However, I want to meet with you again this week. I want you to begin to go more in depth with your story so we can truly begin to help you. Also at the next appointment we will draw up a treatment plan for you. How does that sound?”
“That sounds like a plan Mother. I know I was very nervous and apprehensive about talking to anyone but I feel very comfortable with you. I feel in my spirit that this was ordained by God. You can give me a call tomorrow to let me know when you want to meet again.”
“Great. I love you Niesee. I know that may be hard to believe being that we just met today, but I love you with the love of Jesus. I can tell you are a daughter in Christ and it is my honor to help you reach your full potential.”
I began to cry and reached over and grabbed her into a hug. We sat there in a gazebo overlooking one of the many small ponds in the nature park for a few minutes as I just cried. When I was finished I felt a little lighter and I knew I was off to a good start. “Mother I am going to stay here for a little while longer before I head home. I look forward to your phone call tomorrow. And I love you too.” After a quick hug and a peck on Niesee’s cheek, Dr. Fairview walked the trail back to her car, got in and pulled off. I sat there just thinking back over my life yet again. I thought about my husband, who I loved dearly. I thought about my children, who still drove me crazy. I thought about the ups, downs, good, bad and the ugly of my life. I knew I had to take drastic measures for drastic results. I began to talk aloud to the Lord as I sat there. “Lord, it’s me. Niesee. Lord I am just so tired. I don’t know how much more I can take but you said you wouldn’t put more on me than I can bear. But Lord the load seems extra heavy. Since my mother died Lord I seem like I am so lost. It is making me put a lot of things in perspective but the thing is Lord, I am confused and I am scared. What will people think? Will the business suffer? Will the ministry and our humanitarian efforts suffer when the world learns the truth about the great and powerful Niesee? But Lord I know you are the almighty and I do nothing without your help. Well Lord, I need your help. I need you to fix it Jesus. Please! In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.”
I ended my prayer and still sat there for a minute in reflection. I thought about all the bad decisions I made in my life and I was filled with regret. Just as the memories began to play in my head like an old movie, I heard a still small voice say, “Let it go daughter. I can’t take from you what you won’t release. You have allowed the hurt to be your security blanket and comfort zone instead of me. You are already healed. Walk in it daughter. Trust me.” By this time the tears that had already started flowing as I prayed, turned into a full on ugly cry. Right then I began to release through my tears as I let the memories wash over me. I laid back on the grass, closed my eyes, cried, and remembered.